do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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