I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
