cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Is it because I queefed?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
being pregnant is like rehab
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize