They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
We're too hungover to prance.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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