Swine flu. Run for my life!
I can text with my tongue
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
