Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
