I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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