so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
And then he peed in my hair
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