You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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