her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
