Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
