After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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