the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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