Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
