I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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