hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
