i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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