He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
