I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Randomize
