I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
He has the fingertips of a God
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
