I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize