I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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