I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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