i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
