I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
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