I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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