I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
