Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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