Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize