i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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