I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize