Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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