My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
