and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
