Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
