Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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