Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
