I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
