Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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