i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize