Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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