dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
