We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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