I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
