There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
