i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
