I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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