i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
