There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
