i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
