dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
