Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
