My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
