Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
