Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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