she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
