im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
